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I can't stand to be in the same room with my father.  it occurs to me that life would be significantly less stressful if he would die.  I'm aware that if that actually happens, I'll feel guilty and awful - or at least some part of me rather hopes I would.  I don't get what the world's fucking obsession with fathers is.  every god damn movie makes father-son relationships all but central.  I don't give a fuck about him or what he thinks of me, I'd be perfectly happy to never see him again.

and, because I'm getting better at critiquing myself, I'm also aware that it's a hell of a lot easier to devalue him rather than to deal with the fact I feel like he doesn't respect me at all.  preemptive emotional strike.  yes, you can sign petitions to ban my future, spend all day working with a group of people in whose world I'm a maladjusted, isolated failure (and help them make that world wider all the time)...urg.  I can't even finish writing out a thought.

last night he walked into the kitchen and asked me what I was planning on doing.  "what do you mean?"  "...what are you doing with your life?"  he'd apparently somehow entirely missed that I've been registered for classes for more than a month, that I've already signed the student loans, all this shit - and I know we've talked about it, down to the amount of money I'll have leftover for books and such.  my mother knows every detail and has been well aware of all this for months.  it's not like I'm keeping it from him, he just didn't fucking remember and went into the default assumption that I'm just laying around their house in a bathrobe strewing clutter around.  90% of the time we talk it's about bullshit like some technical detail about housekeeping.  tonight I stayed up all night with the intention of staying up all day as well and getting into the swing of things before school starts, and I was going to unload the dishwasher at some point, to feel like I was contributing somewhat and just be nice.  he comes downstairs and doesn't say a word to me while he makes enough noise to drown out what I'm watching, then tells me it's too loud when I turn it up to try and hear, and the only other thing he says is that I need to empty the dishwasher before I go to bed.  I did, and by treating me like a fucking child he managed to piss all over what little contribution I was going to make, make it look like I only did it because he told me to, and make me grind my teeth at his bullshit patriarchal husband/father = general attitude.  he tells my mom when to go to bed.

the most annoying thing is that I'm reasonably sure I hate the fucker so much because that's easier than walking around crying over the approval I'm afraid I'll never get to the point I'm scared to admit I even want it most of the time.  that was an awful sentence.

I spent all night wondering if a character on the show I was watching was going to come out (I know he's going to eventually from accidental over-reading on wiki), and as soon as my dad sits down in the living room I'd rather turn it off than sit there on edge, feeling him judge both of us.  I feel like I have to hide 90% of what I care about from them and I can't ever enjoy anything or just be myself while they're around.  I want to get out of this damn house so bad, but without a car in arkansas I'm pretty much trapped.  I'm tempted to move into the dorms at fucking UALR, I had to check the website to see if they even had any.  it's $450 a month for a private apartment there, utilities included, only available to 21+, which I am, finally.  another option is $500 a month, comes with 1-3 room mates and you don't have to be over 21 to get in, so I guess there's more competition or something.  that one says it's $2250 per semester.  if I get a $2000 pell grant, like I was expecting, I could cover almost half that for free.  buying groceries would be trickier, though there are several asian markets close to campus which could potentially serve as primary food stores.  if I could get a job on campus or otherwise within walking distance all the better.

I don't know if this is doable or not, but another few thousand dollars to get the fuck away from parents and live nominally on my own would be totally worth it.


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