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ElkMoon
litteraoccidit
I had a dream tonight - first dream of the new year and new decade, that there was such sincerity.

when it started, I was singing - revolving weightlessly with arms outstretched, surrounded by a mosaic, thousands of pieces of glass in shades of blue, green, and purple - like floating inside an eggshell.  no words, I can't remember the melody, just that it was a deep expression of myself that meshed with everything around me.  I came up then, through the surface, and realized I'd been underwater.  there may have been snow on the ground, because I was outside in a park somewhere, but I wasn't cold or wet.  I can't even remember if I was wearing clothing.  the details may have moved with my awareness.  there were people, I either knew them or I didn't, but there was shared identity and purpose, and everyone was friendly.  I went inside a small gazebo then, inside was a hot tub and a professor of mine.  in real life we didn't necessarily agree on much, he wasn't especially popular, but he taught with conviction that bordered on ferver, and I think we had a great deal of respect for each other despite open disagreement.  he and a dozen or so guys of my own age were all dangling our feet in the circle of water, discussing something.  I don't remember what, but it was a good conversation, full of idealism, vulnerability, and trust.  I think I was closer to everyone there after that, new friendships.

next I remember two or three of us were sitting at a picnic table - outside again - enjoying each other's company and having another conversation of similar character; effortless depth and sincerity.  I remember someone on my left, as he was coming or going, referred to God as "She", and I laughed and marveled that someone else thought that way. the guy across from me echoed the view and it was as though everyone there thought it was natural and right.  from something in his manner, I knew the guy across from me was succumbing to the same sort of feelings I always have to wrestle with and hide when I share this kind of thing with another man...catching my breath after seeing another idealist, reigning myself in with the sort of herculean effort that results in speaking in whispers and avoiding eye contact, so as not to violate a gentle spirit who doesn't share the same attraction.  except that this time - finally - we both shared it, and my heart leapt up within me at that understanding.  there was a flagpole there with two flags, the lower one american, and with the sunset someone started to lower it.  about half the people at this retreat saluted, no one at my table did anything.  I yelled "Anarchy!" (something I would only do in my dreams...) and got a wave of smiles and chuckles from people nearby.  a disapproving adult facilitator of some sort said how unfortunate it was he hadn't seem more people "showing respect", and expressed disbelief at the idea of "christian anarchy" (I hadn't added the "christian", but much like real life, people I respect and agreed with had) - we all got up and I started to talk to the facilitator about Tolstoy's The Kingdom of God is Within You, and I woke up.

I realized after waking that none of the institutions I've felt forced to leave had ever excuded me in this dream, church or schools or groups of any nature.  (I've always rather openly despised nationalism, even from childhood, so it was as much a reaity and a measure of peope in the dream as it is in real life) there were real people from both places there, and it was sort of a retreat for personal growth, the distinction between spiritual and academic having not been made.  It was easily the best dream I've had in recent memory.

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i've never really thought about it before this way but now that i do, i think i would be able to relate to a female god a little better.

yeah, I'm only really comfortable with the idea of male divinity as something I'm reaching for in my romantic relationships with guys, not a rule-giving authoritarian in the sky. I'm much more comfortable with the idea of many female manifestations of the divine-as-forces-of-nature. I've always been drastically more comfortable with women in authority, they're significantly less likely to attempt the sort of (you'll play ball and you'll fucking like it!) bullshit my male would-be-mentors always have, if nothing else.

to be honest aside from the artwork and charms I have with me or in my room, the most frequent interaction I have with Her is when I pass bodies of water. I make essentially no distinction between manmade images and the watershed itself (and the idea's not mine or at all new - for the Yoruba storms, rivers, and ocean are all powerful and worship-deserving female deities.) I could ramble on this for ages though. if you're at all interested in discussing this further I'd be thrilled, it's a favorite subject and not one I get to talk about frequently, but I don't want my enthusiasm to come across as evangelism. I think a fairly common view in the Goddess movement is that religion is more like art, voluntary, process/expression oriented rather than goal/conformity oriented.

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